HAA Blog

‘TWAS TWO WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

LOOK OUT! RESIDENTS WANT TO PARTY

By:  Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 1998

 

‘Twas two weeks before Christmas;

and all through the lot;

residents were stirring;

trying to set the plot.

 

You are the manager, sitting in your place;

you wonder what will go wrong, maybe a rift in time or space;

you begin to think about Christmas dinner and eating so hearty;

when you receive notice that Big Bob in 204 is planning a party.

 

You go outside and see for yourself;

that party notices are posted everywhere, even on the outside window shelf;

the notices invite all to attend Bob’s “Big Bash” on Christmas day;

Big Bob wants all residents, young and old, to come and play.

 

The pool will be the place, no matter what you wear;

beer, wine and loud music will all be there;

at first blush you think it will be fun to go to Bob’s party, who knows who you will meet?

but then you realize that not all residents walk to Big Bob’s beat.

 

As the manager you must take control;

you are concerned of the need for a patrol;

you can see residents, not friends of Bob;

complaining, complaining, complaining that Bob’s antics might cost you your job.

 

If Bob or his guests drink to excess and cause trouble;

residents will be calling for you to stop Bob, on the double;

this should be a happy time for all to partake;

but the fun must be controlled, for goodness’ sake.

 

You think about sponsoring a party of your own;

but you have many questions about booze, music and what kind of activities to condone;

you decide to warn Big Bob that his bash must be clean;

so that Bob and his friends do not cause a scene.

 

You also think a holiday party of your doing may be just the thing to feather your nest;

all residents can attend, especially those who do not think Big Bob is the best;

you seek advice about how to proceed;

your mission is to minimize liability so a new manager your owner will not need.

LETS PARTY!!!

(Subject to reasonable restrictions...)

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 1999

 

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,

the holiday season is the best,

but, if [you're] a manager for hire,

this is no time to rest.

All your residents know,

a party complete with mistletoe,

will help promote the [community's] light,

but, tiny thoughts of lawsuit on the go,

will make it hard to sleep that night.

We know that [Santa's] on his sleigh,

but the [party's] loaded with lots of risk of exposure in its way,

and, for every drink [that's] poured, [you're] gonna sigh,

and hope that residents [don't] later learn how to fly.

And so, I offer you this simple advice,

tell them, [hey], no more drinks for you.

Although it is sad, anyone, anywhere, can later find you to sue.

LOOK OUT! RESIDENTS WANT TO PARTY

By:  Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2000

 

(Sing to "Let it Snow")

 

‘Oh, the Residents outside are frightful;

they think parties are so delightful;

but for you the benefits are low;

tell'm no! tell'm no! tell'm no!

 

Well, you know there may be no stopping;

all the champagne corks are popping;

but to Owner wants problems low;

tell'm no! tell'm no! tell'm no!

 

Should you let residents party all night;

reports of disturbances will create a storm;

you want to keep your fists so tight;

for unruly ones, evictions will be the norm.

 

Your hopes of retaining your job may be dying;

if you lose residents that are crying;

but you really love your job, so;

the problem residents must go! must go!  must go!

 

TROUBLE’S HERE 

By:  Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2001

 

(Sing to tune of "Jingle Bells")

 

‘December is the best

everyone seems so hearty,

but you’re always put to the test

because residents want to party.

 

So many issues to know

Alcohol is the drink,

You don’t want to dim the glow

But no one stops to think.

 

Trouble’s here, trouble’s here,

Trouble all the way,

When you’re in this line of work

You wonder why you stay (Hey! Repeat).

 

A day or two ago

You thought you had things right,

But now you get the news

Bob’s party is tonight.

 

The residents are all ready

To have a night on the town,

But you have to keep things steady

You need to slow it down.

 

Trouble’s here, trouble’s here,

Trouble all the way,

Bob’s party is comin’ soon

The police will earn their pay. (Hey! Repeat)

 

Big Bob must get a letter

It must be firm and fast,

He will have to make things better

Or this night will be his last.

 

If invites have gone out

Noise and traffic must stay low,

If Big Bob’s guests start to shout

You’ll deal the final blow.

 

Trouble’s here, trouble’s here,

Trouble all the way,

If you let the party go

The lawyers will have their say (Hey! Repeat)

 

So now you seek advice

How to appease the masses,

You want to appear nice

But you don’t want them breaking glasses.

 

Questions, you have a few

Should you allow parties at all,

You don’t want residents to sue

But you still want to have a ball.

 

Trouble’s here, trouble’s here,

Trouble all the way,

When they beg and plead for booze

What do you think you’ll say.

 

Liquor is probably out

But the clubroom can be used,

Residents can still dance and shout

Everyone can be amused.

 

Now you think you know

The holidays can move along,

You don’t have to take things slow

You just have to sing the right song.

 

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Lawsuit 

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2002

 

(To the tune of It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas)

 

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Lawsuit

Ev’rywhere you go;

Some tires have just been slashed, so security hopes are dashed,

“Are those gates just a show?”

 

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Lawsuit

Ev’rywhere you are;

Handicapped resident needs a space, but you simply have no place,

and the resident has no car.

 

When sheetrock is wet, I’m willing to bet

Mold claims are around the bend;

It’s getting so old, they think it’s black gold

The complaints never seem to end;

So tell them you’ll inspect, and then get right back to them.

 

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Lawsuit

A resident is starting to shout;

Seems you removed the resident’s trunk, it looked like abandoned junk

You thought the resident was out.

 

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Lawsuit

Soon you’ll need help fast;

All these issues have now been raised, and you feel your eyes a’glaze

How long will this feeling last?

 

‘Tis The Season To Party 

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2003

 

Perky the Resident (To the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

 

Perky the Resident,

Was a jolly happy soul,

Who wanted to play and party with friends,

With December being her goal.

 

Perky the Resident,

Sent out cards for all to come,

To her great big bash,

It would be a smash,

But your concerns are burdensome.

 

Would you be held responsible,

If Perky’s guests did things wrong,

If there were fights, guns, drugs and such,

You weren’t singing Perky’s song.

 

Perky the Resident,

Was alive as she could be,

But you cannot let,

Things stay as they’re set,

You plan to make Perky see.

 

Perky the Resident,

Receives a notice from you,

Telling her to know,

If she does her show,

And things go wrong you will sue.

 

Down to the office,

With the notice in her hand

Perky wonders why you don’t share her glow,

Nothing is wrong with her plan.

 

You tell her there is no choice for you,

Her lease you will enforce,

If her guests commit criminal acts,

She will be in breach, of course!

 

Perky the Resident,

Says she will have her fun,

So do what you will,

You won’t stop the thrill.

You wonder if she has won.

HOLIDAY PARTIES:

HAVE FUN BUT BE CAREFUL

By:  Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel – 2004

 

‘Twas three weeks before Christmas;

When all through the lot;

Residents were stirring;

This year was their big shot.

 

Residents seek your help;

“Party” they want you to say;

What are your plans;

To let them share the holiday.

 

You felt compelled to comply;

You would like to please;

Should you have a holiday party;

To put their minds at ease.

 

You start to think;

About what can be done;

To be safe and secure;

While still allowing the fun.

 

You know residents want to drink;

While others will refrain;

If the party goes on;

You must keep things sane.

 

If you serve wine and beer;

Things may get out of hand;

You want to have fun;

but conduct problems you cannot stand.

 

Alcohol causes you concerns;

You wonder what to do;

You don’t want your party to create problems;

You know the “victims” will be waiting to sue.

 

You seek advice;

Its time to pause;

You need to know your options;

You need to examine the applicable laws.

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU

THE APARTMENT INDUSTRY COMES THROUGH ON CRIME ISSUES - 2007

 

THE APARTMENT SONG

(Sung to the tune of “The Christmas Song” by Mel Torme and R. Wells)

 

Unit 21 has opened fire

A resident punched your nose

Your boss says you’re preaching to the choir

Unit 3 ran over his toes.

 

You’ve focused your efforts on being the best you can be

And to make your owner proud

You now know good policy is the key

To deal with the bad and the loud.

 

They know that you will act quickly

To evict those residents that you know are bad

And good residents will begin to see

You’ve taken care of business and all are glad.

 

And so I’m offering this simple phrase

To managers including you

Although it’s not said many times many ways

Well done to all of you.

 

(Repeat) And so I’m offering this simple phrase

To managers including you

Although it’s not said many times many ways

Well done to all of you.

Frankie the Conman

(Sung to “Frosty the Snowman”) - 2008

 

Frankie the conman had a single minded goal

With a fake ID and a hearty laugh

He could trick any soul.

Frankie the conman, was a friendly guy they say

He said he was Bob, ate corn on the cob

But his lies came to life one day.

There must have been some magic in that letter that was found

It said that Frankie was not Bob and he seemed to get around

 

Frankie the conman was alouf as he could be

He denied the lies but is now clear

Frankie stole an identity.

Thumpetty thump thump

Thumpetty thump thump

Look at Frankie go

Thumpetty thump thump

Thumpetty thump thump

Good thing Frankie’s slow.

 

Frankie the conman

The trail was hot that day.

When a man named Bob

Who said he was robbed

And Frankie had to pay.

You go to Frankie’s, with a notice in your hand.

Says you’ll go to court if he doesn’t leave

And to defend if he can.

When in court Bob who has a job and works at a toy shop

Says he knows ID theft is a crime

And Frankie must now stop.

 

For Frankie the conman

Had to be on his way.

As you waved goodbye you don’t want to cry

ID checks would rule the day.

Thumpetty thump thump

Thumpetty thump thump

Look at Frankie go

Thumpetty thump thump

Thumpetty thump thump

Good thing Frankie’s slow.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Inspector Clause is coming to town!

(City of Houston Adopts Habitability Ordinance)

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2009

 

To the tune of (“Santa Clause is Coming to Town”)

 

You better watch out,

You better not cry,

Better not pout,

I’m telling you why.

Inspector Clause is coming to town.

 

He’s making a list,

And checking each light,

Gonna make sure if your building’s alright

Inspector Clause is coming to town.

 

He sees if pipes are leaking

He knows if there’s a break

He knows if plumbing’s been bad or good

So check yourself for goodness sake!

 

Oh, you better watch out,

You better not cry,

Better not pout,

I’m telling you why.

Inspector Clause is coming to town.

 

He sees if you need sweeping

He knows if there is trash

You tell him it is Christmas Eve

And your tenants threw a bash.

 

Oh you better watch out,

You better not cry,

Better not pout,

I’m telling you why.

Inspector Clause is coming to town.

LET’S PARTY?

By:  Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2010

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays

Everywhere you go;

Take a look at the 5 or 10, tenants that will offend

With music, beer and spirits ready to flow.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays,

Complaints are coming fast,

But the scariest sight to see, is your job in jeopardy

You wonder if you’ll last.

 

A couple bottles of wine, and kegs that shine

Will go well with the rowdy crowd;

It’ll be a blast, for those that can last

But others will shout “it’s too loud”;

And residents will complain and blame and threaten to sue.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays

Everywhere you see;

Residents are ready to leave, because they don’t think you believe,

“Evict” they say or the good ones will flee.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays;

You know you want to stay,

And what will make the owner smile, is high income for a while

You need help today!

CHILD’S PLAY

IS IT ILLEGAL TO REQUIRE RESIDENTS TO SUPERVISE THEIR KIDS?

 

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2011

 

(Sing to the tune of “Deck the Halls”)

 

Adopt a new rule to supervise kids.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

Do not play with the trashcan lids.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

Residents don’t want to comply.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

They say your rule must go bye-bye.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

They tell you the rule is not fair.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

You want to show that you do care.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

So you get rid of your new rule.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

Now you feel you are really cool.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

But just wait, a lid from the trash.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

Hits a car and causes a crash.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

Now the driver wants you to pay.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

Because no rule held kids at bay.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

You need help to know what to do.

Falalalala lalalala.

Seems rule or no rule, they will sue.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

‘Tis the season to be jolly.

Falalalala lalalala.

 

But you now feel melancholy.

Falalalala lalalala.

HAPPY FESTIVUS

(A summary of holiday issues)

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2012

 

Sung to the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

With toys to be sold,

On TV I’m told,

You’ll be of good cheer,

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Festivus has daunting feats of strength,

And grievances at length,

An aluminum pole is near!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

 

But you see problems ahead,

Tenants won’t go to bed and,

Many kids are home from school.

Things can be rowdy and rough and

With parties and stuff troubles are certain

Don’t lose your cool.

 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

But don’t make a fuss,

There’s always Festivus,

Don’t lose that good cheer,

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

SEASON’S GREETINGS: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING!

 

Accepting packages during the Holidays - 2013

 

A Holiday Poem

(to the tune of “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”)

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays

Everywhere you go

Packages are sent to your door,

Which you will need to store

Could be cakes, gems, or toys, you never know.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays

Gifts are coming fast,

But the scariest sight to see,

Is your job in jeopardy

You wonder if you’ll last.

 

If you want to take this stuff, then you can’t say “enough”!

So a policy that won’t fail

Is in order so get a sorter

It is too late, you cannot bail

How will packages be logged in

When you accept the mail.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays

But to stop a mess

This is really your time to shine,

With a rule you’ll be fine

If you help FedEx and UPS.

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like the holidays

You would like to stay

So what should your policy say,

To keep you around next May?

You need help today!

“DEC” THE HALLS WITH LOTS OF STUFF?

Fa la la la la, la la la la - 2014

 

To the tune of Deck the Halls

 

Come and listen to my story

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Here me now or you’ll be sorry

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Balconies are all aglow

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Even at midnight, quite a show

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Bells and tinsel are everywhere

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Santa and Rudolph, what a pair

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Sleds a-plenty, reindeer hopping

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Some self-made, some from shopping

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Lights a-blazing, sounds a-blaring

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Not all are for holiday sharing

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Gifts a plenty, lots of clutter

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Stuff from the floor to the gutter

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Tenants showing lot of joy

Fa la la la la, la la la la

But some are easy to annoy

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Keeping the order is your goal

Fa la la la la, la la la la

But you feel you’ve lost control

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

You set rules, which are ignored

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Somehow you’ve got to strike a chord

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Eviction may be the key

Fa la la la la, la la la la

To make offenders wake up and see

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Can you, should you, be so stern

Fa la la la la, la la la la

‘Tis the season, but they must learn

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

You need help, need to know

Fa la la la la, la la la la

You’d rather be under mistletoe

Fa la la la la, la la la la

PARKING DURING THE HOLIDAYS

(You may not make friends, but residents must have a place to park!)

 

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2015

 

You’re a Mean One, Manager

(to the tune of You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch)

 

You’re a mean one, manager

You really are a heel

You need a parking policy

That will settle this whole deal, manager

You will need to be firm

And have rules made of steel

 

You want order, manager

Perhaps posting a sign

The lot has cars everywhere

How about starting to fine, manager

But guests and tenants will claim

That it’s you that has crossed the line

 

You must get help, manager

If you want to start to tow

You won’t be very popular

But all residents must know, manager

Given the choice between chaos and calm

Calm’s where your property must go.

FELIZ NAVIDAD

LEP Issues Will Cause You to Frown

 

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2016

 

(To the tune of Santa Clause is coming to town)

 

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I’m telling you why

LEP issues will cause you to frown

 

If they don’t speak clear

You have to ask twice

A claim may be out

And it may not be nice

LEP issues will cause you to frown

 

It may bother you when you’re sleeping

You think about it when you’re awake

You don’t really think it’s bad or good

But it remains an issue for goodness sake! Oh…

 

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I’m telling you why

LEP issues will cause you to frown

 

You don’t know what LEP is

So what’s it all about

You don’t want to discriminate

But this PC makes you shout – No!

 

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I’m telling you why

LEP issues will cause you to frown

THE REMNANTS OF HURRICANE HARVEY

 

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2017

 

(To the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town)

 

We survived the storm

We’re cleaning debris

It’s not the norm

But will make you see

Harvey is not getting us down

 

We’re coming back fine

And may need a hand

But we have turned water into land

Harvey is not getting us down

 

Yes, there’s still work to be done

Tenant claims and lawsuits true

We know its win or lose

So win we’re assured to do!

 

Oh! We survived the storm!

We’re cleaning debris

It’s not the norm

But we’ll make you see

Harvey is not getting us down!

MOLD ON THE MIND?

By: Howard M. Bookstaff, General Counsel - 2018

 

(To the tune of “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”)

 

It’s beginning to smell a lot like mildew

everywhere you go;

take a look in the ac vent with the old shoe smell-like scent

with furry black and silver crumbs aglow.

 

It’s beginning to smell a lot like mildew

claims are everywhere;

but the prettiest sight to see is the plan that will be

how you’ll make that repair.

 

An air sample test showing where mold might rest

is the wish of every tenant;

a plan that will solve and that will resolve

is the hope of all management;

and you need to be able to rent after the unit becomes vacant.

 

It’s beginning to smell a lot like mildew

everywhere you go;

there’s a substance on the baseboard that could strike a cord,

the green kind that you wouldn’t want to show.

 

It’s beginning to smell a lot like mildew

soon the claims will start,

and the thing that will make you win and the tune you will sing

your plan taken to heart.